strange&beautiful;

Wow, I just (ok, an hour ago) remembered the existence of my old LJ, and how i used to reflect on my life. Perhaps that’s partly why in some ways, I feel as if I’m still in the same place, or even gone backwards.

I guess LJ kept me grounded in many ways; I posted about my life, posted about my thoughts (not so much, until I discovered friends lock and me-only lock even - I then started posting things I really needed an outlet for but never did because I didn’t want the whole world, or certain people to see them). Now, I feel as if I have nothing to fall back on about my life since June 2010. What has happened since then? What have I done? Well I definitely remember the main gist of things, but the important moments, small snippets of life which just mean so much to me, some things I don’t even remember anymore. Everything is a blur, and it’s only been ~1 year since then; in another year’s time I would invariably have forgotten most of it. And more importantly, those thoughts I’ve had - nothing to remember them by. The struggles I’ve had, tough times I’ve gone through. In a few years, I may not even have the memories of these things; all I have are photos, which, I guess, is better than nothing.

& what actually got me started on all this in the first place was seeing some of my friends’ yearly reviews, and how I used to do them, and how I see they have truly reflected on how the year has been like for them, what they have learnt, how they have grown and where they are now in their lives, and as individuals. I realised there has been something sorely lacking for me in 2011: reflection. I’ve been so passive, haven’t been putting myself out there, still waiting for others to take the first step. This is why I said I feel as if I’m still in the same place, or have even gone backwards. Both in terms of personal relationships, and where I am as an individual. I don’t think I’ve really grown much as an individual this year; and thinking about it now, I would never have imagined myself to be saying this but I’m glad I’m back to school. I don’t mean being overseas in an awesome place, making new friends and having a wonderful time, (which of course I thoroughly enjoy and love) or the studying itself per se; I mean the fact that I am actually back to full-time education. Thinking back, a huge reason why I’ve been so stagnant this year is very likely largely due to the fact I have not done anything constructive with my life for the large part of the year. Sure, I worked for 6 months, and I really learnt some things, but I honestly didn’t learn anything really life-changing that gave me epiphanies on my outlook on life - well, the fact that working is tough and money is difficult to earn and you can’t slack at work like you do at school really did sink in, but you know what I mean. And thinking back, I wasn’t intellectually challenged while working - the irony, as I was working in a research facility amongst numerous people who had pursued high accolades in their higher education - I can recall a few one-off incidents where I was, but day in, day out, what I did was simply routine and I was not involved in the process of making sense of the significance of the work I was doing - which I always thought to be what interests me in research. That was probably why by my last month at work, I was disillusioned, disgruntled and disenchanted at times. Perhaps research isn’t so bad after all, and perhaps that’s why so many interns are needed. Though I still have deep reservations about having this as a career. We’ll see how the next 3 years treats me. If I actually reflected on what I had done for the past 6 months when I ended my job, I may have come to this realisation a long time ago.

Alas, it is 5am, I am not studying for my examinations which are in a week’s time, neither am I sleeping. What started off simply as a desire to pen some thoughts in my mind, ended up as a full-blown reflection. I really haven’t done this in a long time, have I. If it weren’t 5am, I would probably have gone on much longer than this. Something else that strikes me is, I have totally no qualms about posting something so incredibly personal out there, for the world to see, without the veil of friends’ lock. Perhaps it’s because I know hope nobody would see this, because I think nobody knows of this place (except a select few who have found this place through my email, but having them see this is fine with me, so feel loved :) ).

I think I really need to start journaling again. I need to do this, to organise my life, to get my life back on track. Or rather, to get my life moving along this track again. Maybe I’ll get a new blog, maybe I’ll continue using this place, maybe I’ll get a new domain on tumblr, just because this page is so cluttered with reblogs. Maybe I will even decide to go back to old pen and paper style. Who knows? Let’s see what tomorrow will bring, when it isn’t 5am (5.20am now) and I am alone in my room, filled with so many thoughts in my head.